The Pope--My Lord & Savior

Letters to the Editor
Sun Times

Dear Editor;

In contemplating the recent remarks by the Papacy, I was forced to consider my own lack of faith and I have come to the conclusion that I should accept the Pope as my Lord and Savior. In so doing, I have determined that the best way to make myself a better man is to be more like my Lord and Savior, Pope Benedict XVI.

In so doing, I have adopted a new motto: WWPBXVID? What Would Pope Benedict the Sixteenth Do? (previous mottos: WWED, What Would Elvis Do?; WWIJMFD?, what would insane Islamic Jihadist Muslim Fundamentalists Do?; and of course, WWTME? Who Would Tickle Me Elmo Bomb?).

So far this has guided me well. It’s broadened my ability to converse with indemnity on subjects that were previously far too touchy. I now carry a pocket version of Bartlett’s quotations everywhere I go. It works, let me tell you.

Yesterday, some guy downtown jumped into a cab I’d hailed and I yelled out “You’re a $#$@$ing piece of ^%$#, you %$ing pile of Ukranian yak@^%!” and when the guy stopped the cab and got out, I said “Hey, I’m only quoting Courtney Love. I think you’re cool.”

At the doctor’s office later, the surgeon asked me what happened. I said “Just keep sewing you, &^%$ Hindu &^%$%^*.” After I explained that I was paraphrasing George Washington’s comments to Betsy Ross, 1775, Dr. Bindhu said he was sorry for my reaction to him suddenly stitching my upper lip to my nostril. I think he’s a Papist too.

The important thing here is that I don’t get carried away with my infallibility. It’s not something I should lord over the fallible (Amish people, Baptists, Zoroastrians, Republicans, and, well--you know who you are.) It’s not their fault they’re wrong. Hopefully, by emulating PBXVI, and abrogating responsibility for my own authority, actions, opinions, thoughts, hasty notes, mumbled indignities, and anything I might say in my sleep, I will act as a beacon of hope and charity to the millions of seething, incoherent, anti-papists, who will realize their vile iniquity and turn their life around by becoming pope.

I mean like the pope.

Infallibly yours;

Bull Garlington; neo-papist.

P.S. (WWPBXVID? is trademarked.)